There is a lot of buzz in the past 5 years about the role of the Student Minister vs. the idea of a Family Pastor doing student ministry.
Perhaps what has given the profession of student minister a bad name and a "call" for change is that many who operated in the past generation under the title of Youth Minister were in reality Directors of Student Activities in the Church. (not an actual title that I am aware of) but the point being that they were neither trained in adolescent ministry nor called by God to be the primary shepherd in "assisting" mom and dad in their biblical responsibility. While there are numerous reasons the "Family" minister replacing the Student Minister is a bad idea I would like to advocate a balanced approach and highlight the fact that many of the minster friends I have from the past 29 years of SM were doing some form of Family based, simple church, purpose driven, relational ministry with a side order of event based ministry activities all along. Family ministry . . . of course, when it can be achieved through willing and capable parents. Show me one single growing, healthy church with more than 50 students operating under a Family Minister title who is successful. Can’t find one? Me either because even those who do have a title promoting family based student ministry end up duplicating many of the same ministry programs and relational components that non-family ministry titled positions do. Why, because no matter what happens in culture - if kids have any say so at all, any discretionary time, any freedom to choose activities, a church will need to provide a platform by which to get their attention, build an atmosphere of acceptance, train their friends to disciple and evangelize and pull parents off the sidelines into a biblical parenting role of chief discipling agent in the family system.
No doubt that many churches need to blow up their so called "student ministry" and start over with a biblical, healthy comprehensive approach to making disciples within the adolescent community. Many more however simply need to refocus their primary attention on making disciples of those God entrust to them and creating an atmosphere where students can connect with caring adults whether they have supportive Jesus following parents or not.
OK, I could go on for about three more chapters but . . . I will close with a prediction that I already see happening. Those churches who abandon the role of the student pastor in favor of a true "family" minister will soon find themselves wondering why all the MS and HS students are hanging out at the church down the street - oh yeah, it’s because they still have a highly trained proficient, facilitating, point person, family advocating, relational, core group building, word preaching student pastor who knows what his job is. And, in years to come, the churches who abandon the Student Pastor position will be easy to identify because they will be the congregations with loads of AARP bumper stickers, plenty of vacant parking spaces next to the student center and no-one sitting in the first 5 rows where all the "young folks" once sat.
Ideas, strategies, insights, and general Student Ministry shop talk.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Active Listening - A good tool for parents
Active Listening
Most parents are familiar with the concept and technique known as active listening. The problem arises when the technique gets overused or dismissed in frustration.
I am not an expert in child psychology or communication but when communicating with the adolescent world, AL becomes an an important skill that will help any parent communicate more effectively with their teen.
When you listen actively, you are sending your child the message that they are important enough to have your undivided attention. Many problems can be solved and even prevented when parents and leaders take the time to use active listening. This allows you to play the role of a guide in helping teens hear their feelings expressed and guide them into solving them. It is a practical solutions that when combined withy prayer, creates a very powerful skill.
Try these for simple steps to strengthen this skill.
• Stop what you are doing.
• Look at your child.
• Give your full attention.
• Listen to what is said.
• Comment on what you think you heard.
• Use reframing or retelling techniques.
Most parents are familiar with the concept and technique known as active listening. The problem arises when the technique gets overused or dismissed in frustration.
I am not an expert in child psychology or communication but when communicating with the adolescent world, AL becomes an an important skill that will help any parent communicate more effectively with their teen.
When you listen actively, you are sending your child the message that they are important enough to have your undivided attention. Many problems can be solved and even prevented when parents and leaders take the time to use active listening. This allows you to play the role of a guide in helping teens hear their feelings expressed and guide them into solving them. It is a practical solutions that when combined withy prayer, creates a very powerful skill.
Try these for simple steps to strengthen this skill.
• Stop what you are doing.
• Look at your child.
• Give your full attention.
• Listen to what is said.
• Comment on what you think you heard.
• Use reframing or retelling techniques.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Parental communication
I was in Orlando recently for the Youth Pastor's Summit. After day one, I stopped on the way home to meet some guys for a few hot-wings (God's favored food) and arrived a few minutes early. At a nearby booth, a mom was in a dual with her pre-school son. It was escalating by the second and I just knew that little boy was in a count-down to consequences. Any second, I pictured him being snatched from his seat and marched into the "ladies" room for a little "one-on-one time. Any moment, she is going to help him realize how unacceptable it is to speak to his mother that way. Anytime now, he is going to visit the house-of-pain for throwing a fit and yelling at his mother. I felt a reluctant smile ease onto my face as I anticipated this youngster’s moment of “understanding”, the moment it would all become clear. I prayed he would come to his senses before it was too late, before the mommy-hammer came down on his world. But that moment did not come. The next five minutes were painful . . . not painful for the boy but rather for everyone around, painful as we watched the ob-scene unfold.
This mom was trying to reason with her 5yr. old. On the one hand it was comical because she was talking over his head one minute and using a baby-mommy talk the next. Mostly it was sad because everyone (but mommy) seem to know that the moment of "reason" (which is extremely limited at 5yrs) came an left with the loud response:"NO, I WONT" and "I HATE YOU" spewing from his lips. Now let me say up front that I admit to having a lack of appreciation for and limited tolerance with the "whinese" language, baby-talk and cowardice parenting that would rather befriend their child than parent them.
Since I am not a child psychologist or counselor, you can place this in your parenting for idiots file, hit delete or consider the practical lesson for parents. Where was I, yes: (waiting for my buds and dreaming of 10 mild wings with ranch dressing) The 5yr old was winning the battle of the will and the mom was attempting to deal with his behavior like a husband and wife might discuss a difference of opinion over wold events.
You have got to be kidding me! It took all I could do not to get up, go over to their table, ease into the booth seat next to the boy, smile at the young mom and say - have YOU LOST YOUR MIND? ARE YOU REALLY THIS CLUELESS? Do you truly think that you can reason with a 5 year old? Do you think this approach is going to develop a healthy respect for authority or a better awareness that actions have consequences? Do you really expect this to do the job? Do you think he is reasonable at this age? Do you think he is going to agree to your terms and conditions for acceptable behavior without it costing him something more than “mommy is not happy with you right now . . . Quinton” ? My heart went out to her because I could see that she was a single parent mom with her hands full and . . . I've been there (ok, not there or as a single parent, but in a public place with an unhappy child on my hands).
Somewhere in the parenting process she had bought into some form of politically correct, liberal parenting style that says: "I don’t want to hurt his little psyche" or "lets be friends and reason this thing out together" or “if I spank him, someone might be offended”, or “if I get firm with him, it might harm his self esteem”. I wanted to tell her to hold the line, stand strong and be willing to be disliked or the object of ill feelings for a short while. I wanted so bad for her to say: "OK, look here young man, if you don’t straighten up we are going to take a little trip to the ladies room and it will not be so you can pee pee". Or, "if you don’t stop this right now, we are going to leave without you getting lunch and when we get home, you are going to get a whuppin to help you understand what is ok and what is not".
I wanted to tell her that this little boy does not need you to be his friend nearly as much as he needs you to be his rock. His rock of defense, his rock of offense and his rock of steadfast unconditional love. Dr. James Dobson has an old book called "Parenting isn't for Cowards" and I would love to place a copy into her hands. She needs it, I needed it, we all need help to parent. My kids are grown now so I can confess my many mistakes along the way but one thing I do know is that PARENTING is hard work. Loving your child enough to PARENT WELL requires a lot more than being liked, reasoning out behavior, everyone being happy and peace without battles. Parenting is messy, wonderful, painful and incredible and by God's grace Christian parents can contribute to a sturdy generation-next.
So what . . . ? So . . . stand strong and parent well in the grace of Jesus. For parents, it is a high calling to take very serious. For student pastors, it is a needed ministry to the parents of those you lead.
BTW, the 5 year old must have won because he did not have to sit down, he did get to order exactly what he wanted, she did give him money for the video games, he did not have to eat what she had paid for and he continued to be belligerent but . . . he was kind enough to use his “inside” voice.
Good luck parent . . . I mean, mom. Maybe the student pastor can “fix” him for you when he reaches middles school . . . if you will drop him off at youth group or sign him up for camp . . . . if that makes him happy . . . or if your not too tired or if you have enough money after sports camp, vacation and summer entertainment.
This mom was trying to reason with her 5yr. old. On the one hand it was comical because she was talking over his head one minute and using a baby-mommy talk the next. Mostly it was sad because everyone (but mommy) seem to know that the moment of "reason" (which is extremely limited at 5yrs) came an left with the loud response:"NO, I WONT" and "I HATE YOU" spewing from his lips. Now let me say up front that I admit to having a lack of appreciation for and limited tolerance with the "whinese" language, baby-talk and cowardice parenting that would rather befriend their child than parent them.
Since I am not a child psychologist or counselor, you can place this in your parenting for idiots file, hit delete or consider the practical lesson for parents. Where was I, yes: (waiting for my buds and dreaming of 10 mild wings with ranch dressing) The 5yr old was winning the battle of the will and the mom was attempting to deal with his behavior like a husband and wife might discuss a difference of opinion over wold events.
You have got to be kidding me! It took all I could do not to get up, go over to their table, ease into the booth seat next to the boy, smile at the young mom and say - have YOU LOST YOUR MIND? ARE YOU REALLY THIS CLUELESS? Do you truly think that you can reason with a 5 year old? Do you think this approach is going to develop a healthy respect for authority or a better awareness that actions have consequences? Do you really expect this to do the job? Do you think he is reasonable at this age? Do you think he is going to agree to your terms and conditions for acceptable behavior without it costing him something more than “mommy is not happy with you right now . . . Quinton” ? My heart went out to her because I could see that she was a single parent mom with her hands full and . . . I've been there (ok, not there or as a single parent, but in a public place with an unhappy child on my hands).
Somewhere in the parenting process she had bought into some form of politically correct, liberal parenting style that says: "I don’t want to hurt his little psyche" or "lets be friends and reason this thing out together" or “if I spank him, someone might be offended”, or “if I get firm with him, it might harm his self esteem”. I wanted to tell her to hold the line, stand strong and be willing to be disliked or the object of ill feelings for a short while. I wanted so bad for her to say: "OK, look here young man, if you don’t straighten up we are going to take a little trip to the ladies room and it will not be so you can pee pee". Or, "if you don’t stop this right now, we are going to leave without you getting lunch and when we get home, you are going to get a whuppin to help you understand what is ok and what is not".
I wanted to tell her that this little boy does not need you to be his friend nearly as much as he needs you to be his rock. His rock of defense, his rock of offense and his rock of steadfast unconditional love. Dr. James Dobson has an old book called "Parenting isn't for Cowards" and I would love to place a copy into her hands. She needs it, I needed it, we all need help to parent. My kids are grown now so I can confess my many mistakes along the way but one thing I do know is that PARENTING is hard work. Loving your child enough to PARENT WELL requires a lot more than being liked, reasoning out behavior, everyone being happy and peace without battles. Parenting is messy, wonderful, painful and incredible and by God's grace Christian parents can contribute to a sturdy generation-next.
So what . . . ? So . . . stand strong and parent well in the grace of Jesus. For parents, it is a high calling to take very serious. For student pastors, it is a needed ministry to the parents of those you lead.
BTW, the 5 year old must have won because he did not have to sit down, he did get to order exactly what he wanted, she did give him money for the video games, he did not have to eat what she had paid for and he continued to be belligerent but . . . he was kind enough to use his “inside” voice.
Good luck parent . . . I mean, mom. Maybe the student pastor can “fix” him for you when he reaches middles school . . . if you will drop him off at youth group or sign him up for camp . . . . if that makes him happy . . . or if your not too tired or if you have enough money after sports camp, vacation and summer entertainment.
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