The following tips may sound elementary but often I encounter parents violating several basic parenting rules. Sense we all need help with some area of parenting, I thought I would share the most common and essential Do's and Don'ts of parenting.
1. Never ridicule a child in front of others. Deal with discipline in private unless it is absolutely unavoidable. In such cases, apologize for having to deal with it here and now.
2. Do not call a child a name, even if it they completely define the name you are using. Believe me, I have called hundreds of children and teens unflattering names under my breath. Then I pray for God to help me hold my tongue and prevent them from reading my mind.
3. Under no circumstances should an adult ever bully their child. I am talking about being physically overpowering for display or compliance in a non-caring manner.
4. Refrain from saying “no” simply because you don’t want to be bothered or for no reason.
5. Never gossip about your child or other children. Sharing confirmed information that will help someone or prevent something terrible from occurring is not gossip. Sharing half truths and rumors about other children is!
6. Stay under control. Do not scream, shout or threaten your child. You can get the same results by being deliberate, firm and forceful but doing so calmly.
7. Don’t resort to using the silent treatment to punish or withhold your love.
Of course this list is not exhaustive, but violating any of the seven will surly devalue a child while at the same time push them towards the wrong crowd, where they will feel valued.
Why is watching what you say to your kids a big deal? Because deflating words will lead to critical, deflated and insecure kids. So, tame the tongue or zip the lip but don’t excuse it!
Ideas, strategies, insights, and general Student Ministry shop talk.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Teenagers and Lying
Mark Gregston offers some quick insights into students and a trend in lying.
The latest “Report Card on the Ethics of American Youth” (by the Josephson Institute of Ethics) shows that teens are lying more often, and more easily, than ever.
Dishonesty may seem like a minor issue in comparison to other adolescent problems like drug abuse or sexual promiscuity, but it is a vice that parents should never ignore or allow to creep into the teen’s lifestyle.
Dishonesty is rooted in an attitude of disrespect; disrespect for others, for authority, and for your family’s values. It won’t go away with the mere passage of time. It will reappear at significant stress points in your child’s life, and that can land them in real trouble. So, deal immediately with every instance of dishonesty today, and you’ll be avoiding bigger problems tomorrow.
The latest “Report Card on the Ethics of American Youth” (by the Josephson Institute of Ethics) shows that teens are lying more often, and more easily, than ever.
Dishonesty may seem like a minor issue in comparison to other adolescent problems like drug abuse or sexual promiscuity, but it is a vice that parents should never ignore or allow to creep into the teen’s lifestyle.
Dishonesty is rooted in an attitude of disrespect; disrespect for others, for authority, and for your family’s values. It won’t go away with the mere passage of time. It will reappear at significant stress points in your child’s life, and that can land them in real trouble. So, deal immediately with every instance of dishonesty today, and you’ll be avoiding bigger problems tomorrow.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Discipline & Consequences
Discipline and Consequences
Discipline is when we as parents apply punishment in order to gain control of situation, influence behavior, shape someones future actions or enforce obedience to a system of rules.
Consequences are outcomes that can be either negative or positive resulting from a person’s action. An average person, by nature will naturally strive towards positive outcomes. We tend to gauge our behavior based on the positive or negative outcomes we experience. When disciplining teenagers, experts will point out two types of consequences to focus on: natural and logical. Both types can be positive or negative.
A quick look into each:
Natural consequences obviously occur . . . uh, naturally. In other words, they are consequences that are not created or manipulated by anyone. For example, if you are careless with a hammer and you hit your thumb, it will hurt, possibly swell and turn blue. If on the other hand, you plant a tulip seed, nurture it with water and sunlight, you will naturally observe the blooming of a beautiful flower.
Logical consequences, on the other hand are situations created by someone in a position of authority and are logically connected to the wrong. We think of it as logical because it fits or matches the outlined offense. For example, if your teen does not clean up their bedroom, he/she will not be allowed to go with friends Friday night. On the other hand, if he/she finishes raking the yard by Friday, use of the family car will be provided for a weekend outing.
We want our children to learn from their mistakes, but we have the choice of allowing our children to face natural consequences or impose logical ones. But how do you choose between the two types of consequences? When is one more effective than the other?
When natural consequences are immediate they are the most effective. Too often though, natural consequences are not immediate or either they are too dangerous to allow. For example, texting while driving could produce serious consequences. Not wearing a seat belt when driving may or may not result in a less immediate natural consequence. Both are important but pose a decision for parents. In both, natural consequences aren’t what a parent should use to teach their teen the responsibility of their own safety and it is up to the parents to sort out a logical consequence that will promote the desired behavior – in this instance not running into the street without looking or wearing a seatbelt.
Another instance of when logical consequences will be more effective than natural consequences is while your teen is getting a high school education. The benefits of good grades in school are so far off into the future that teens do not fully comprehend them. While your teen can repeat what he/she has been told: ‘good grades will get you into a good college and you’ll make more money’, until he/she sees the type of job or paycheck a college education can get, he/she will not understand the difference. Logical consequences, including rewards for good grades and privileges taken for poor grades work best as your teen can fully understand these.
There are times when the natural consequence is the better choice for the parent to make. One excellent example is when your teen is dating or making friends. Finding out what type of person your teen wants to be with and how your teen wants to be treated is going to be his/her choice. Dating or making friends with someone who isn’t his/her type is going to show that to him/her. Barring any mistreatment from a friend or a date, parents will need to hold their tongue and refrain from giving their opinions in order to let the natural consequences – positive or negative – happen.
Discipline choices are never easy. Hopefully knowing the difference between natural and logical consequences will help you make the right choices for you and your teen.
IS
Discipline is when we as parents apply punishment in order to gain control of situation, influence behavior, shape someones future actions or enforce obedience to a system of rules.
Consequences are outcomes that can be either negative or positive resulting from a person’s action. An average person, by nature will naturally strive towards positive outcomes. We tend to gauge our behavior based on the positive or negative outcomes we experience. When disciplining teenagers, experts will point out two types of consequences to focus on: natural and logical. Both types can be positive or negative.
A quick look into each:
Natural consequences obviously occur . . . uh, naturally. In other words, they are consequences that are not created or manipulated by anyone. For example, if you are careless with a hammer and you hit your thumb, it will hurt, possibly swell and turn blue. If on the other hand, you plant a tulip seed, nurture it with water and sunlight, you will naturally observe the blooming of a beautiful flower.
Logical consequences, on the other hand are situations created by someone in a position of authority and are logically connected to the wrong. We think of it as logical because it fits or matches the outlined offense. For example, if your teen does not clean up their bedroom, he/she will not be allowed to go with friends Friday night. On the other hand, if he/she finishes raking the yard by Friday, use of the family car will be provided for a weekend outing.
We want our children to learn from their mistakes, but we have the choice of allowing our children to face natural consequences or impose logical ones. But how do you choose between the two types of consequences? When is one more effective than the other?
When natural consequences are immediate they are the most effective. Too often though, natural consequences are not immediate or either they are too dangerous to allow. For example, texting while driving could produce serious consequences. Not wearing a seat belt when driving may or may not result in a less immediate natural consequence. Both are important but pose a decision for parents. In both, natural consequences aren’t what a parent should use to teach their teen the responsibility of their own safety and it is up to the parents to sort out a logical consequence that will promote the desired behavior – in this instance not running into the street without looking or wearing a seatbelt.
Another instance of when logical consequences will be more effective than natural consequences is while your teen is getting a high school education. The benefits of good grades in school are so far off into the future that teens do not fully comprehend them. While your teen can repeat what he/she has been told: ‘good grades will get you into a good college and you’ll make more money’, until he/she sees the type of job or paycheck a college education can get, he/she will not understand the difference. Logical consequences, including rewards for good grades and privileges taken for poor grades work best as your teen can fully understand these.
There are times when the natural consequence is the better choice for the parent to make. One excellent example is when your teen is dating or making friends. Finding out what type of person your teen wants to be with and how your teen wants to be treated is going to be his/her choice. Dating or making friends with someone who isn’t his/her type is going to show that to him/her. Barring any mistreatment from a friend or a date, parents will need to hold their tongue and refrain from giving their opinions in order to let the natural consequences – positive or negative – happen.
Discipline choices are never easy. Hopefully knowing the difference between natural and logical consequences will help you make the right choices for you and your teen.
IS
Monday, November 16, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Child Rescue - my passion comes to fruition
Isaiah 1:17 gives us a clear mandate: Seek justice, encourage the oppressed, defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case for the widow. Isaiah is pleading with a nation and generation who was blind to the plight and suffering of their fellow human beings. Not that our cause is to be social antidote to the world’s hurts but much more. We, by our actions and response to human suffering, are to introduce Christ to the forgotten and invisible. Through meeting basic human needs, rescuing the oppressed and bringing freedom to the captive, the hopeless learn trust, the faithless discover belief, and the helpless gain assurance while the love of Christ is demonstrated. What we do in the name of Christ gives us a platform from which the lost may know, hear and see the love of Christ amidst an evil and dehumanizing enemy.
A huge passion of SME is to assist with intervention and relief projects that relieve the suffering of countless international children and teens.
I like the story of the starfish:
A man was walking on the beach after a storm and witnessed thousands of starfish washed up on shore. He sat down and pondered how helpless they were out of water and that most all would eventually die from sun exposure. He then observed another beach walker who had come upon the same scene. But this man was bending over, picking up starfish and throwing them back into the sea. The first man spoke up saying: Why are you doing that? You do realize that your efforts are incidental and meaningless among so many. What you are doing makes no difference in the big picture. The man bent over and picked up another starfish and as he turned to throw it into the sea, he said: it certainly makes a difference to this one!
There are so many children being exploited around the globe, how can you make a difference - one human being at a time. Your efforts in caring make take many forms, but multiplied in the hands of God will make all the difference in the world to the one God uses you to rescue. Perhaps God has chosen you to be some little girl or boys answer to prayer. Just because you can’t do everything, should never prevent you from dong something!
Just because my kids are safe and your kids are safe, does not mean the rest of the world's kids are safe. In fact, human trafficking, child sex trade, slave labor and child soldiers have been steadily increasing over the past decade.
Child Rescue seeks to provide direct support through personal involvement, financial assistance, and increased awareness to accomplish a threefold purpose.
†1. Direct Victim Relief: CR supplies direct and collaborative assistance to those striving for the immediate relief and rescue of child slaves and sex trade victims.†
2. Victim Care: CR helps sponsor transitional counseling and skills training for those who have been rescued from the hands of evil. CR provides support to rehab centers and shelters who are involved in the tender job of salvaging, reshaping and transforming the lives of victims so that they may experience the transforming power of Christ from the inside out and return to a productive new life in Christ.
3. Community Awareness: The simple truth is this; no Christian can hear, see or know what is happening every hour of every day and feel no compulsion to do something. Maybe you feel led to pray, others to give, still others to carry the torch of awareness and mobilization. Get your church, school or youth group involved by in some way, on some level and see what God will produce through your efforts.
Examples of Exploitative Activity
Sexual Abuse
† Slavery
† Human Trafficking (abduction, forced prostitution or labor)
Child/Teen soldiers
A huge passion of SME is to assist with intervention and relief projects that relieve the suffering of countless international children and teens.
I like the story of the starfish:
A man was walking on the beach after a storm and witnessed thousands of starfish washed up on shore. He sat down and pondered how helpless they were out of water and that most all would eventually die from sun exposure. He then observed another beach walker who had come upon the same scene. But this man was bending over, picking up starfish and throwing them back into the sea. The first man spoke up saying: Why are you doing that? You do realize that your efforts are incidental and meaningless among so many. What you are doing makes no difference in the big picture. The man bent over and picked up another starfish and as he turned to throw it into the sea, he said: it certainly makes a difference to this one!
There are so many children being exploited around the globe, how can you make a difference - one human being at a time. Your efforts in caring make take many forms, but multiplied in the hands of God will make all the difference in the world to the one God uses you to rescue. Perhaps God has chosen you to be some little girl or boys answer to prayer. Just because you can’t do everything, should never prevent you from dong something!
Just because my kids are safe and your kids are safe, does not mean the rest of the world's kids are safe. In fact, human trafficking, child sex trade, slave labor and child soldiers have been steadily increasing over the past decade.
Child Rescue seeks to provide direct support through personal involvement, financial assistance, and increased awareness to accomplish a threefold purpose.
†1. Direct Victim Relief: CR supplies direct and collaborative assistance to those striving for the immediate relief and rescue of child slaves and sex trade victims.†
2. Victim Care: CR helps sponsor transitional counseling and skills training for those who have been rescued from the hands of evil. CR provides support to rehab centers and shelters who are involved in the tender job of salvaging, reshaping and transforming the lives of victims so that they may experience the transforming power of Christ from the inside out and return to a productive new life in Christ.
3. Community Awareness: The simple truth is this; no Christian can hear, see or know what is happening every hour of every day and feel no compulsion to do something. Maybe you feel led to pray, others to give, still others to carry the torch of awareness and mobilization. Get your church, school or youth group involved by in some way, on some level and see what God will produce through your efforts.
Examples of Exploitative Activity
Sexual Abuse
† Slavery
† Human Trafficking (abduction, forced prostitution or labor)
Child/Teen soldiers
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Teenagers and Eating Disorders
At a recent Parent Conference, a single mom of a 9th grade girl pulled me aside to talk during the break. She wanted to know how she might identify the symptoms of teenage eating disorders. Not being a psychiatrist, Nutritional expert or medical doctor, I gave her a few quick insights and told her I would have to get back to her. (yes, there was the tired part of me that wanted to tell her to google or bing it for herself) But seeing the desperation and pain in her eyes, the Student Pastor side won out. Later that week and after a little research, I sent her the following notes and encouraged her to seek professional help from a trained counselor who specializes in treating teenagers addictive or destructive behavior.
Destructive eating habits can be related stress, tension, poor nutritional habits and cultural food fads. Unfortunately, the issue of eating disorders are relatively common problems for today's teenagers.
According to several studies, eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa and bulimia, are on the increase among teenage girls and young women. They study also shows that the problem tends to run in families. In the US, it is estimated that 10% of young women suffer from an eating disorder. While eating disorders also occur in boys, there are much fewer cases and not as difficult to treat.
The below notes are a good reminder for all of us. Sooner or later we will have to pray with a parent and youth who is in deep trouble from food . . . or the lack of it.
The two main disorders, anorexia nervosa and bulimia are characterized by a preoccupation with food and a distortion of body image. Sadly, one of the dangers les in the fact that most teenagers hide these serious and sometimes fatal disorders from their families and friends.
Symptoms and warning signs of anorexia nervosa and bulimia include the following:
• A teenager with anorexia nervosa is typically a perfectionist and a high achiever in school. At the same time, she suffers from low self-esteem, irrationally believing she is fat regardless of how thin she becomes. Desperately needing a feeling of mastery over her life, the teenager with anorexia nervosa experiences a sense of control only when she says "no" to the normal food demands of her body. In a relentless pursuit to be thin, the girl starves herself. This often reaches the point of serious damage to the body, and in a small number of cases may lead to death.
• The symptoms of bulimia are usually different from those of anorexia nervosa. The patient binges on huge quantities of high-caloric food and/or purges her body of dreaded calories by self-induced vomiting and often by using laxatives. These binges may alternate with severe diets, resulting in dramatic weight fluctuations. Teenagers may try to hide the signs of throwing up by running water while spending long periods of time in the bathroom. The purging of bulimia presents a serious threat to the patient's physical health, including dehydration, hormonal imbalance, the depletion of important minerals, and damage to vital organs.
With comprehensive treatment, most teenagers can be relieved of the symptoms or helped to control eating disorders. The child and adolescent psychiatrist is trained to evaluate, diagnose, and treat these psychiatric disorders. Treatment for eating disorders usually requires a team approach; including individual therapy, family therapy, working with a primary care physician, working with a nutritionist, and medication. Many adolescents also suffer from other problems; including depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. It is important to recognize and get appropriate treatment for these problems as well.
Research shows that early identification and treatment leads to more favorable outcomes. Parents who notice symptoms of anorexia or bulimia in their teenagers should ask their family physician or pediatrician for a referral to a child and adolescent psychiatrist.
AND lest we forget where true power lies . . . read Ezra 10:4 "Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it."
Destructive eating habits can be related stress, tension, poor nutritional habits and cultural food fads. Unfortunately, the issue of eating disorders are relatively common problems for today's teenagers.
According to several studies, eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa and bulimia, are on the increase among teenage girls and young women. They study also shows that the problem tends to run in families. In the US, it is estimated that 10% of young women suffer from an eating disorder. While eating disorders also occur in boys, there are much fewer cases and not as difficult to treat.
The below notes are a good reminder for all of us. Sooner or later we will have to pray with a parent and youth who is in deep trouble from food . . . or the lack of it.
The two main disorders, anorexia nervosa and bulimia are characterized by a preoccupation with food and a distortion of body image. Sadly, one of the dangers les in the fact that most teenagers hide these serious and sometimes fatal disorders from their families and friends.
Symptoms and warning signs of anorexia nervosa and bulimia include the following:
• A teenager with anorexia nervosa is typically a perfectionist and a high achiever in school. At the same time, she suffers from low self-esteem, irrationally believing she is fat regardless of how thin she becomes. Desperately needing a feeling of mastery over her life, the teenager with anorexia nervosa experiences a sense of control only when she says "no" to the normal food demands of her body. In a relentless pursuit to be thin, the girl starves herself. This often reaches the point of serious damage to the body, and in a small number of cases may lead to death.
• The symptoms of bulimia are usually different from those of anorexia nervosa. The patient binges on huge quantities of high-caloric food and/or purges her body of dreaded calories by self-induced vomiting and often by using laxatives. These binges may alternate with severe diets, resulting in dramatic weight fluctuations. Teenagers may try to hide the signs of throwing up by running water while spending long periods of time in the bathroom. The purging of bulimia presents a serious threat to the patient's physical health, including dehydration, hormonal imbalance, the depletion of important minerals, and damage to vital organs.
With comprehensive treatment, most teenagers can be relieved of the symptoms or helped to control eating disorders. The child and adolescent psychiatrist is trained to evaluate, diagnose, and treat these psychiatric disorders. Treatment for eating disorders usually requires a team approach; including individual therapy, family therapy, working with a primary care physician, working with a nutritionist, and medication. Many adolescents also suffer from other problems; including depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. It is important to recognize and get appropriate treatment for these problems as well.
Research shows that early identification and treatment leads to more favorable outcomes. Parents who notice symptoms of anorexia or bulimia in their teenagers should ask their family physician or pediatrician for a referral to a child and adolescent psychiatrist.
AND lest we forget where true power lies . . . read Ezra 10:4 "Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)